I’ve undergone five of six ketamine infusion for my depression, PTSD, and anxiety, and the results have been amazing. In this post, I don’t want to overlook or undercut just how profound the results have been, but I tend to use this space to exorcise demons. And this tendency doesn’t occur just here; it has been a common habit throughout my life. A therapist once explained to me that those with PTSD struggle to balance the positive sensations with the negative ones. The bad feelings linger like a dormant fog, while those positive moments flash and then fade quickly.
The ketamine has allowed me to isolate my BPD symptoms (ketamine isn’t effective in treating this condition). And I now appreciate just how much effort it will take via dialectical behavior therapy, which I begin tomorrow, to address the insidious nature of BPD.
Since my last post, I’ve also begun dating. Casual dating is probably the last thing in which someone with BPD should engage. I get far too emotionally attached to whomever it is I meet. The first woman I met via the Bumble dating app is R. R. and I have seen each other about five times in four weeks, and our sexual chemistry is like nothing I’ve experienced. It’s intoxicating and pulls all my emotional strings in some of the worst ways. I also dated a woman, G., twice, but today she told me the chemistry isn’t there and wished me the best. Her message came as no surprise. If anything, I was hoping for a new friendship, but it will not be. We had two dates, yet within an hour of receiving her message, I began crying, not necessarily because of the rejection, but because I, apparently, still haven’t accepted the fact that I’m in a position to be rejected, ie if Allison were still alive, I wouldn’t be dating in the first place. I felt secure with Allison. I felt safe with Allison. And now, I feel extremely unsafe, vulnerable.
The fact that my emotional health swings on the whims of a *potential* lover is so dysfunctional that suicide feels like it will ultimately be the final resolution to my troubled and broken personality. I just want to be accepted. I just want to be loved. I just want my Allison to come back.