The darkness has returned. Two days ago I underwent an EKG for palpitations, which I’ve been experiencing for the last two weeks. The result was abnormal, so next step is to undergo an echocardiogram, which is an extensive ultrasound of my heart. Despite medication, I continue to have erectile dysfunction issues. This could be related to my cardiac issue, and to be sure, further workup will be needed for that as well. I’m a widow and can sleep with anyone I choose, but my cock has other ideas. Such is the story of my life.
I don’t know if I’ll continue to write here. This site has virtually no visitors. Probably because most of the content is depressing and unreadable. I typically only write here when the darkness calls. The lack of feedback/readership seems to feed my loneliness and apathy.
I kinda hope this cardiac thing kills me. I’ve asked myself: What if you suddenly experience a sense of impending doom and crushing chest pain? The stupid and primal drive to survive might spur me to call 911. I’d like to think I’d choke this instinct, collapse to the floor and die with courage. I’d hate to leave behind the cat. I love her so much. Sometimes when I watch her slow gait, bogged down by arthritis, I think even she’s ready to die. A year ago she lost the woman who snatched her from an Indiana farm. A year ago I lost the woman who saved my life multiple times. I know in terms of grief, one year isn’t a very long time, but I cannot turn away from the giant chasm, the gaping wound that remains.
The sad thing is: at the time, I didn’t realize I was experiencing the high-water mark of my life. And now that it is low tide, it’s obvious I’ll never return anywhere remotely close to that mark.